Letter from Israel

Love, Actually, Is for Everyone

By Meredith Price

Efrat Eliahu (center) started www.lovedavka.co.il which enabled Ohad and Adi (right) to meet.

They met online. They dated for a few months. They got married. Ohad and Adi's love story sounds like the romantic timeline of many other young Israeli couples — with one major difference: Adi suffers from hearing loss, and Ohad suffers from a brain paralysis that confines him to a wheelchair.

"The first time Ohad ever stood was the day he married, and watching him stand under the chuppah with the help of a motorized chair was incredibly emotional," says Efrat Eliahu, the founder of www.lovedavka.co.il, the social Web site dedicated to people who have physical and mental impairments where Ohad and Adi first met.

"I wanted to create a place online where people could tell about themselves freely, and others wouldn't be afraid to find out who they really are," says the soft-spoken Eliahu. "Everyone who comes to the site knows that there is a chance the person they will date has a disability of some kind."

As with Ohad and Adi, Eliahu explains that people with seemingly disproportionate disabilities sometimes end up together because they have a deep understanding of what it's like to be different from the majority of the population.

The decision to start the Web site, which loosely translates as "love actually," came from Eliahu's personal experiences. At the age of 22, she was wrongly diagnosed with cancer and treated with chemotherapy. A few years later, the doctors discovered the mistake and realized she actually suffered from a rare, chronic lung disease.

"After eight years together and in the middle of marriage arrangements, my fiancé and I broke up because of my illness," Eliahu says. "His family told me that any woman in the hospital at the age of 22 should only be there to give birth. Eventually, this was the cause of our breakup."

After a heartbreaking separation, she entered the Tel Aviv dating scene with low self-esteem and a terrible sense of self worth. She signed up for JDate and started to go on blind dates, but it was often a disappointing and humiliating experience.

"I don't look like I'm ill on the outside, and people don't see anything wrong with me, so I have to tell them. I got some very insulting reactions, and I started thinking about a better way for people with disabilities to date online."

Using her bachelor's degree in psychology, Eliahu designed the site to make it easier for people with disabilities to describe their handicaps without feeling dejected. Two flowers, each with seven petals, represent mental and physical impairments. The purple flower is for mental disabilities, while the turquoise one is for physical disabilities. The petals allow lovedavka users to rate the severity of their disability from one to seven.

"People do not have to tell others that they have a disability. They can also choose to say nothing, or they can put an icon of a wheelchair or not. They can choose to put a flower or not, too. It's completely up to them," she says.

At least 10 couples have met through lovedavka and married, and Eliahu says two babies have been born to couples who met on the site. Nevertheless, she caveats that it is also designed to provide support to people with disabilities who are already in a relationship and are seeking advice from and friendships with people in similar situations.

"We have activities, trips, parties and an online magazine. We also have forums where people can ask questions and find other people in similar situations to their own. It's a place where people can socialize, and this is especially important for people confined to wheelchairs at home who don't have many chances to get out of the house."

Eliahu plans to offer more activities and a consulting forum soon. "The forum will include discussions where people from different sectors — not just doctors — will answer questions and help people."

She explains that some handicapped individuals have never been on a date, and simple questions, such as how to dress, what to do on a date, what to order at a restaurant and what to wear, can be daunting. "I want to be able to answer any questions that may arise with a professional staff."

At its inception more than three years ago, Eliahu worried about having a separate site for the disabled because she didn't want them to feel like they were being put in a ghetto.

"After all, if we are asking for equality, why separate ourselves?" she asks.

Today, after hearing so many touching personal stories, she knows it was the right thing to do.

One recent example is a 30-year-old blind man whose parents signed him up for the site. "He had never dated, and he is an only child. His parents were worried about him being left all alone when they pass away, and now, for the first time, he has started dating," she says.

Another couple who eventually married after meeting on the site told Eliahu that on their first date, the guy was late because his driver didn't come on time. In his haste to get out of the car and into his wheelchair, he fell. But this didn't bother his date. She didn't run away from him or make fun of him. "For their wedding, [he] was the one to give her a lift in the small motorcycle that he is able to drive. It was so beautiful."

Stories like these confirm that the aims of the organization to give back to the community are successful.

"I never imagined the site would touch so many lives and get to this point when I started it," Eliahu says with great excitement. "It is beyond my wildest dreams."

Meredith Price Levitt grew up in Marietta and bought a ticket to Tel Aviv on Sept. 10, 2001. She writes a column on Israeli innovations and cultural features for The Jerusalem Post. You can reach her at meredithmprice@yahoo.com.