Benji Lovitt

'Dressed to Kill' in Tel Aviv

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By Benji Lovitt

 

Oh, my word, the theme of this month is "Fashion and Beauty." Ummm . . . have you been to Tel Aviv? I'm supposed to cover this in under 800 words? Let's just jump right into it then. Here's what I have to say about Israeli women: "BUH-DAH-BUH-GOO-GOO!"

Look, people, ain't no other way to say it: They're hot. If this is news to you, it's time to visit. (Oh, and there's that Kotel thing, too.)

When it comes to fashion and being "put together," the women of Tel Aviv are without question as fashionable as those in any American city. Walk down the beautiful pedestrian boulevard of Rothschild and you'll immediately know what I'm talking about. Imagine my surprise to learn that women dress for the office like they're going out on the town. When I say "dressed to kill," I'm not talking army uniforms.

• Benji: "Hey, Dafna, what's with the revealing outfit . . . hot date tonight?"
• Sexy Jewess: "Ehhhhh . . . no. Shareholders' meeting. Why?"

With men, it's a different story. I'm told the men here are pretty attractive as well, but, as in America, they have some work to do to meet the standards set by the ladies. With the warm weather quickly approaching, here's a quick idiot's guide to dressing like an Israeli male:

• Step 1: Shave head.
• Step 2: Grow four days' worth of scruff. Not three. Not five. Israeli men possess the talent of always appearing as if they just returned from their six-month post-army tiyul (hike) in India. Man, they're hot.
• Step 3: Put on at least one of the following articles of clothing:
  • Baggy Thai fisherman's pants (never, ever shorts) or tight European jeans.
  • Flip-flops.
  • T-shirt with English words that are inappropriate, make no sense or are sexually suggestive. (Seriously, people here are obsessed with English and put on articles of clothing with complete cluelessness about what they say. I saw a Russian grandmother wearing a shirt that said "Pimping Ain't Easy." Well, not with a walker it ain't, grandma! These are your golden years! Take a load off!)
• Step 4: Dressed? Great — I'll see you at the beach. Or office.

One great thing about living in Tel Aviv is that dress is so casual. I can't even tell you the last time I wore a tie since moving here, if it's even happened once. This makes for an interesting learning experience at your first Israeli wedding.

"Hey, who let the homeless guy in??? (pause) Oh, that's the groom??? How's he gonna break the glass wearing Crocs?"

Ok, so maybe that's an exaggeration. But it is hard to find a plain white dress shirt that doesn't have a dragon or other design on the back. Future immigrants, bring white shirts with you. Forget the ties.

Now . . . you may have heard that high tech is one of Israel's biggest exports. What about its beauty? Heard of Bar Rafaeli? Known by many as Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend, she recently graced Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue. How about Galit Gutman, Esti Ginzburg, Moran Atias or that Natalie girl? Did I mention my 800-word limit? I'll leave the Googling to you.

So why are Israelis so good-looking? In a word? Mixing. With immigrants from every corner of the world, Israel is a veritable genetics shmorgasbord of every kind of look and mix of cultures that you can imagine. Jews from Arab lands, the former Soviet Union, South America, Europe, etc. . . . the diversity in this country is simply unbelievable. I imagine Emeril in the kitchen: "Two spoons of Ashkenazis, two spoons of Sephardis, a touch of Ethiopian, some olive oil and BAM! TEL AVIV!"

Jokes aside, I've always found myself attracted to Israelis and not because of what's on the outside. Growing up in America, I always felt such a strong sense of pride, awe and amazement toward my Israeli peers. While I spent my college years scarfing down pizzas, memorizing SportsCenter catchphrases ("Booyah!"), and generally acting like a doofus (what else is college for?), they were serving in the army and defending the state of Israel while speaking about it all matter-of-factly, as if this type of thing is normal and goes without saying, which it does in Israel.

For all these reasons, there's just nothing more attractive to me than hearing someone speak Hebrew. You can have your Italian or South American accent. I'll take the language of the Jews any time.

Whatever beauty you're looking for in a partner, this country has it, both inside and out.

• Israel: Even the ugly ones are hot.

Ministry of Tourism, I'm available for hire.

Benji Lovitt is a stand-up comic and writer. While his apartment is in Tel Aviv, part of his heart remains in Atlanta. You can read about his hilarious immigrant perspective of Israel at www.whatwarzone.com and see his stand-up comedy at www.benjilovitt.com.

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