Relationships

Dating Advice From the Pros

By Rachel Pomerance

Happy new year, everyone!

Since we've just reflected on our growth and priorities in the coming year, it's time to tap into the momentum all around. And after hours of communal repenting and rewinding and pining, all these newly articulated prayers are fresh in the minds of Jews everywhere.

With that in mind, it seems appropriate to freshen up on the BIG question: How do we find the right match?

"If you really want to meet quality, interesting people, step outside your comfort zone a little bit" and attend new or offbeat events, says Cary Roman, 43, a Jewish single who runs a Web site listing happenings in and around Boca Raton, where he lives. (While the Web site, www.livingfla.com, is not explicitly Jewish, we are talking about Boca Raton here. You can't sneeze without contaminating a bagel.) "At least if you go to a cooking event or a food and wine event, you're going to have something more in common than just being single."

As for our city, if you're not on Sam Fistel's listserv, get there. His calendar will tell you all the Jewish happenings in town: www.bestjcal.com. Thank you, Sam Fistel.

JDate's dating coach, Elizabeth Aloni, whom I met on a JDate vacation and who I think is a rising star, offers this advice: "The best way to meet people is to work on yourself."

The way Aloni sees it, matchmaking is the culmination of a process of self-improvement. You must appreciate and believe in yourself to realize your needs and nurture in yourself the qualities you want to attract. Here's the refrain: "You want someone loving. How can you be loving?" Then, it's a matter of being "open to the possibilities in every location you are."

You can learn more about Aloni, who is based in Chicago, at her Web site: www.ejoycoaching.com.

Also from Chicago, matchmaker Elsa Malinsky says singles should think of themselves like a commodity: "You have to approach yourself like your business, and you have to do your own marketing." That means getting on JDate, attending Jewish events, hiring a matchmaker if you can afford it, speed dating and "not to be shy [about] asking your friends and relatives" to set you up. She also says that in the quest for Mr. or Ms. Right, singles "should be willing to relocate."

Finally, after I told her that Atlanta's burgeoning Jewish community lacks a professional Jewish matchmaker, Malinsky, who boasts a worldwide network of clients, was considering regular visits to our city. In the meantime, visit her Web site at www.beshert.com.

I also consulted Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, a New York-based psychotherapist who dispenses dating advice on the matchmaking site www.sawyouatsinai.com.

Like Aloni, Rabbi Feuerman says, "It's important to know what you're looking for." But it's more important that you and your partner "share a common vision" than a common background. As disagreements test couples over the years, a shared sense of values can bind the couple.

Good luck and g'mar tov!

As my grandfather used to drawl (he was from Vidalia) —may the most you wish for be the least you receive!

You can reach me at rpomerance@gmail.com.

Happy dating!