Relationships

Find Your Inner Yenta

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By Rachel Pomerance

God bless the yentas. You heard me. If it weren't for meddling, think how many matches wouldn't have been made. In fact, the survival of the Jewish people has largely been dependent on us looking into and out for each other. Politics aside, Hillary was right about this: It takes a village.

So while I have written before about professional matchmakers, this column is about the civilian matchmakers among us. We can and should take a lesson from their penchant to connect people, revealing the ways we can all do our part to make matches.

Julie Bitton, 34, who has yet to make her own match, has meanwhile made five marriages.

Upon heading home from a date that doesn't do it, singles ought to think about who else might connect with that person, Bitton says.

"A lot of people get very busy with their daily lives and very 'woe is me, the dating world, it sucks out there,' " but "the key is to put your feelings aside, even if it's hurtful that somebody didn't like you or you didn't like them." In other words, Bitton says, "Get over yourself. Be a little selfless. There's so much love to go around."

Here's another thing - we may feel as if we know everyone in town, but it just ain't so. "People tend to get in cliques," Bitton says, explaining, for example, that folks in the University of Florida clique don't always know their counterparts in the University of Georgia clique.

On predicting a match, Bitton looks for common interests or personality types or levels of religious observance. But sometimes it's just a hunch.

In any case, she'll only match those who are open-minded. After all, each date has friends, and friends of friends. Getting the mind-set now? It's the old-fashioned version of Facebook.

"I think everybody could make a match if we were all a little bit more perceptive with our friends and the people around us," Bitton says, adding, "Don't assume that people don't want to be set up."

Now, let's take the example of Adrian Grant, who turns 60 this month - happy birthday, Adrian! - and needs no introduction since probably everyone reading this knows him. He's famous for his networking, having matched dozens of people, with seven marriages to his credit.

"I'm always introducing people," he says, thinking "who does this person fit with," whether it's business or marriage.

Regarding the latter, the trick is to get the couple to the second or third date, since the first date tends to make people "uneasy," he says. So Grant deploys his system after Date 1 Ñ calling each party to say how much fun the other one had, getting them "psyched up" for Date 2.

"You can't leave it to chance," says Grant, who simply makes the connection happen.

Like when he introduced a couple during a Shavuot service at B'nai Torah, saying he wouldn't "leave this spot" until they committed to a date.

As Grant predicted, he received a thank-you call from the young man in just two months, announcing their engagement.

And for Grant, there's no greater feeling in the world than those thank-you calls.

So what's his secret?

"You really have to get to know people," and getting to know as many people as possible increases your ability to make matches, he says.

Kol Hakavod to Julie and to Adrian and the rest of the networkers. The world is simply too big for each of us to get these things done on our own. So I am hereby throwing down the gauntlet to the Jewish community:

Look out for one another. Be thinking, all the time, about whom you can connect. And if not for your fellow Jew, then for yourself.

Our tradition has it that arranging three marriages lands you a spot in heaven.

You can reach me at rpomerance@gmail.com.

Happy dating!

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