Relationships

Where's the Woo?

By Rachel Pomerance

A little family history, and a message to the men:

My grandfather pursued my grandmother. The story goes that they were out on a double date, only not with each other. My grandfather gave the other guy a quarter to let him dance with my grandmother.

Likewise, my father pursued my mother and told her on their first date she was the one.

Obviously, I wouldn't be writing this column if all this courtship hadn't taken place. But I'm just wondering, where is it today? Where's the woo?

When I first moved to New York, I had an egregious date who informed me about "the rules" of dating in the city: "Kissing on the first date, sex by the third." He said it by rote, like a half-hearted please or thank you. Luckily, it was one of the few times in my life I offered up the perfect zinger — "And to think I had it backwards all this time!"

He didn't get it.

Now, I'm all for women kicking butt and going for what they want, whether it's in romance or at Loehmann's. However love happens, hooray.

My problem is twofold: 1. The sense of entitlement I find among men, but I've found that to be truer in New York than here. 2. And it's opposite — the queasiness among so many others, waiting and watching and squirming, seeking a signal before, God forbid, asking someone out on a date. I get it. No one wants to be rejected. And I'm not advocating stalking here. There's a fine line to be figured out, and if you can't, then this column's not for you. But here's a little tip for the men: Women like to be wooed.

You'd be hard-pressed to find a woman who doesn't swoon over that scene in Say Anything when John Cusack mounts the stereo over his head in a modern-day serenade at what's-her-name's window. It's why practically every romantic comedy ends with some man going for some woman — hopping in a cab, chasing her, getting stuck in traffic, then running through an airport or train station or her office and announcing, without fear of rejection, in front of her colleagues and sister and the mailman and the nosy secretary, that, alas, she's the one he wants.

It's the combination of bold, but not entitled, that I think women want. Also known as being romantic. And by the way, this doesn't only apply to dating. My friend's mom told me the other day that, after thirty-odd years of marriage, she still goes gaga when her husband asks her out for a date.

Now, I'm not going to let the women off the hook. Women: Give a guy a chance. Unless you're horribly offended by the person, don't be so caught up in your biological clock or your deadlines or your general cynicism about dating that you won't give yourself the opportunity to be curious about someone. I say, again, unless you're revolted by the person, go out twice before turning your back. Yes, as we get older, we at least think we have a better idea about what we want. But sometimes you might surprise yourself.

You can reach me at rpomerance@gmail.com.

Happy dating!