Relationships

Don't Get in Your Own Way

By Rachel Pomerance

If you were to scroll through the profiles on most dating services, you'd find that they're a variation on a theme — "I'm tickled to be taken to the Waffle House or Bacchanalia!" — or actually the exact same thing — "I'm just as happy in blue jeans as a prom dress/tux." We all seem to display well-rounded interests and seek the wit and perspective to match our own. Which leads me to wonder: If we all basically want the same thing, why is it so hard to find?

I know — the goal is the same: love, respect and the need to be understood, for starters. The sticking point is getting there. The intricate pattern formed between two people is as rare and idiosyncratic as the individuals involved. But does it have to be so hard? The Orthodox way seems to have a pretty good model in the sense of creating a set of shared expectations and vetting each other's family. And not wasting years figuring it out.

I think, in the quest for love, we just constantly get in our way. (It's the issues, stupid.)

Short of every single signing up for a good dose of counseling before dating, I would humbly propose that singles consider these points in their romantic pursuits.

1. No one knows how things will be 10 dates or 10 years from now. But you owe it to yourself and your date to be honest about how, at this moment, you want your life to look — from children to personal space. Mystery is way overrated.

2. But don't dump everything on Date 1. No one wants to hear about your lactose intolerance or IBD or how your last relationship came unhinged from the get-go. That's not what I mean by honesty.

3. Along these lines, eighty-six the overzealousness. I hate to be a buzz kill here, but realize it takes maybe a lifetime to really get to know someone. And going gaga after one or two dates is a bit childish if you ask me. And it probably doesn't help your cool factor. A friend of mine said that on a recent first, and last, date with someone, she told him that he and her brother were going to love each other!

4. And if that doesn't sell you on chilling out, remember this: As easy as it is to fall for someone, that's how hard it is to let go and break free. I've known too many people who stay in relationships that don't bring them the peace and happiness they deserve because of the powerful grip of love and attachment.

5. Make sure you're looking for the things that last. Looks and money can come and go. Character is forever.

6. It should be really, really fun.

7. Finally, I'll pass along some advice I heard from friends this week. If you start to feel bad about yourself in your relationship, that's a bad sign. The relationship itself shouldn't be too stressful. That's what life is for.

Happy dating! You can reach me at rpomerance@gmail.com.

Happy dating!